It seems that I am struggling.

I was telling my partner yesterday how I felt like I clean the dishes all the time- several times a day even, yet the dirty dishes continue to exist. While I was trying to voice this frustration, I felt my throat get a little tighter and my eyes get a little more wet.

I would say that ever since starting therapy exactly one year ago, I have been more uncontrollably emotional. That sounds far more dramatic than it actually is. Basically, instead of bottling things up, my body just naturally releases any anxiety, fear, or frustration, and, sometimes it is in the form of crying.

In therapy I discussed my constant need to be doing something. At the time that I began seeing my therapist, I had just gotten out of a program that had my attention 24/7 with no breaks- no joke. I went from that to having ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO. It was crazy. And I felt like I was going a little crazy too.

I immediately started looking for a new place to live, a new job, and I made sure that my class schedule for the upcoming semester was desirable. In between all that I made my best efforts to visit all the family and friends I hadn’t been able to regularly see before, during my service year.

Things got overwhelming, my body panicked, and I relied on therapy to get me through it. My therapist and I hit a lot of topics and they are all documented on this blog; you’ll just need to scroll back to maybe June of 2019. It was a lot.

This quarantine has been really stressful for me in regards to my mental health. While I enjoy being inside and away from people, I also love going out with my partner and I really like going to work and feeling like I did something productive that day. I find putting on jeans exhausting, but I like the way I look in them and it boosts my self-confidence.

I haven’t had the need to put on jeans to go anywhere. I haven’t been able to see the people I care about as much as I’d like. I also haven’t been working as many hours at work and my duties have slightly changed since the lockdown. Things are different in the world, but the way I measure my success and productivity is the same as it’s always been. I think this time has shown me that that’s a possible issue.

I know that I am more than my accomplishments. I know that simply doing a load of laundry is a productive activity. I know that not all progress is immediately visible.

But it’s hard.

I have decently high standards for myself and I’ve really been working on cutting myself some slack over the last year. Sometimes, though, I do get impatient and annoyed with the lack of tangible progress.

Regarding work, my hours have been cut in half and I was supposed to start working officially full-time by this point. My upcoming summer class is a math class and I purposely chose an on-campus day/time because I learn this subject best that way (I suck at math, big time!). My partner and I had travel plans and those were, of course, cancelled. I was also looking forward to exploring Atlanta more and trying new bars and restaurants; my girlfriend and I even agreed on a weekly date night where we try out only new restaurants on a list we created.

I also don’t do well with unexpected change. I suppose I do adapt rather quickly and I always get through it okay, but the immediate effects are always scatterbrained thoughts and mild panic.

So, yeah, things have been harder than I thought they’d be. It’s all good, though. I have an amazing partner and the weather is beautiful and I still have lots of things to look forward to. I wish us all the best for the remainder of 2020 and I’m optimistic that things will take a turn for the better.

5/12/2020

Final grades were released today for the Spring 2020 semester. I am pleased; I got two A’s and two B’s. My GPA increased by .2, which means I will not be losing my Hope Scholarship.

I am still working from home and my employer still has no plans to reopen. It’s just too risky. We’re a tiny company as it is, so if one of us got sick and we were in the office, well, there’s a high chance the other nine of us would also be infected and we just can’t have 100% of the company out.

I have cut down on the amount that I am baking. I weighed myself recently and while I am not upset with my appearance, I didn’t like that I had gained 10 pounds. I’d rather gain 10 pounds of muscle, but you don’t get abs from eating cake and brownies. Things to work on I guess.

My hammock stand arrived today. It’s actually still in the mail room, but I’m about to go get it. Currently, I have the hammock hung on two doors, but doors were’t meant to hold people.

I have some lemon-jam-to-be on the stove. It needs to boil another 5 minutes or so and then it needs to cool off for a few hours. I just had so many lemons and I didn’t want them to go to waste like the last batch. The reason I keep lemons on hand is because they’re great for soothing a sore throat when mixed with honey and water, AND they actually get rid of any nausea, which I have more than most people for no particular reason.

My partner and I have acquired an air-fryer because I can’t eat fried [in oil] foods without throwing up later that night and I am IMPRESSED! We were able to make lumpia, a Filipino spring roll, as well as french fries and fried chicken! Win, win, win!

I have slept really well the past two nights and I don’t want to say it’s been purely chance. I’m trying to think about the things I’ve been doing differently, but I really can’t think of anything. Well, I did consume peach wine the past two nights, but it’s not like it knocked me out or anything- it is actually advertised as having a lower alcohol content than other wines this particular brand makes…

I’ve been trying to drink more water, eat more fruits, eat less sugar (I’m referring to my baking), and get outside (with a mask of course) a few times per week to a local park. All of these things are part of living more healthy and could positively influence my sleeping cycle… There is also the fact that school is currently done for the semester, so I don’t have that stress on me.

I don’t know, man. I hope this good sleep continues. I hope everyone is staying inside still and wearing masks if they go out! I’m still trying to master bread-making, so I’ll keep ya’ll posted on that.

A Sad and Anxious First Day of School

Yesterday was day one of my Spring 2020 semester. I had only one class at 12:30pm. As per usual, I arrived an hour and a half early to make time for traffic, me getting lost, and any other emergency situations.

Turns out that I made the right decision in getting to campus ridiculously early because I spent 40 minutes trying to find parking that wasn’t full and would also accept my budget card that I just loaded $105 on. I finally found the sketchiest parking deck on campus; it also happened to be the one furthest from my class, so I got a nice walk in too.

The actual class was fine, but because of it being a new professor, new classmates, new room, new seat, etc., I was feeling a little jittery. I also hadn’t eaten enough or drank enough water- that’s on me. The whole parking situation didn’t help either, of course.

Unfortunately, my German grandfather also just died- as I was walking to class, actually, my mother texted me and my sister. So, that sucks. My mom just got back from Germany 5 days ago and now she’s going back for the funeral.

I have one of my evening classes today. I am trying to plan where to park because when I get out of my class it will be dark. I will attempt to park where I normally park because it’ll be after normal hours and the deck will hopefully not be full at that time.

Work update: work is going well, I hope they’ll ask me to be full-time soon.

Time Management

Image result for this is fine gif

The gif that you see above is accurate to my current life situation. I just started school again and I am taking 6 classes. 2 are online, 2 are lectures, and 2 are hybrids (partially online and partially on campus).

Starting September 4th, I will be dog-sitting and house-sitting for my grandmother who lives 30 minutes north of me. Also, for the entire months of September and October, I will work every weekend at my uncle’s rental bike stand. Monday through Friday, I work my regular day job.

Between everything I just mentioned above, I am also trying to attend my last few therapy session and maintain family relationships, platonic relationships, and a new romantic relationship.

If all of this sounds like a lot it’s because it totally is. I will admit that I probably should not have committed to working every weekend for the next two months. However, it is what it is and we’re here now.

In order to keep my life organized, I have 3 main calendars that I view. One is on my phone and that keeps me up to date on appointments and social events. I use the one on my laptop mainly for work and side jobs. The physical calendar/planner that I have is for school and a combination of everything. That sounds confusing, but it makes sense for me, I swear.

So, that’s an update on where I’m at. I hope everyone’s day is going well.

It’s One of “Those” Days

I think it began last night, when I drove home during a thunderstorm/flash flood warning. I was driving 40mph on the interstate and trying to focus on my breathing. I don’t know what it is about driving through the rain at night, but it makes me so incredibly anxious. I wore my headphones to block out some of the noise.

This morning, I woke up a 6:00am. I got dressed, grabbed my food, and walked about the door. As I sat in my car and listened to the radio for a few minutes. Then I turned it off. I could feel that my mind was tired. I didn’t sleep terribly and I went to bed before midnight. I just felt really weak.

On my way to work I picked up some Post Its at Kroger. There were a lot of school buses on the roads because school has started again.

Now I’m in the office building. I went to the bathroom to adjust my bra straps; they were too loose and falling off of my shoulders. I returned to my work area and poured some of my homemade granola into a mug because I did not bring a bowl. The granola proceeded to spill into my mug and everywhere else as well. I got up to get the broom and ran my right thigh into the pointy handle of the drawer next to it. I grabbed the broom and returned to the crime scene.

So, here I am. I’m eating mediocre granola cereal and trying to keep my eyes open. I’m hungry and full at the same time. I feel like I could both sleep forever and never sleep again. I could cry and laugh simultaniously.

I’ll be staying late at work today. We’re doing troubleshooting exercises and there’s a new girl to train. There’s nothing interesting at my house anyway.

Relationships Take Work

I hear many people talk about their ideal relationship and it always involves minimal conflict, disagreement, and never going to bed angry. While that would be lovely, I don’t think that’s actually possible and I believe that the strongest relationships actually do need disagreement in order to learn and grow and exercise compromise.

I had partners who always tried to avoid conflict by compromising their own interests instead of telling me they would rather do something else. I also had partners who would twist any sort of argument to be my fault and that lead me to believe that it was me that was the problematic partner in the relationship. Both of these scenarios are common and wrong.

My most successful relationship was my last one. It was short, about 6 months with less contact than I would have liked given the program we were in, but we made it work. We were very different, but I think we were very smitten with each other regardless of our differences.

I want to interject the fact that I hate conflict. I don’t like confrontation or arguments; HOWEVER, I won’t back down if I feel like a conversation needs to be had. I understand that while it makes me uncomfortable, the relationship will be more uncomfortable if I don’t speak up.

So, this 6 month relationship with this beautiful woman was a dream in terms of communication and respect. I never felt disrespected or taken advantage of. I always felt safe and open to voice any concerns or thoughts. This hasn’t always been the case.

When there were things that arose as potential problems, we were quick to talk about it and “clear the air”. That was hard work for me. It was easy in terms of it was easy for me to open my mouth and speak words; however, it was difficult for me to get over the fear of confrontation ending in the termination of the relationship.

Oftentimes, conflict seems like the end of something, but it’s just a bump. It’s an opportunity for growth, for learning, and for better understanding your partner and your relationship.

This previous girlfriend taught me that and I love her for that. I am now far more comfortable having conversations sparked by a possible issue in my relationships (both platonic and romantic). I understand that disagreements don’t have to be explosions, and they don’t have to cause the relationship to implode, so it’s okay to have them.