A Sprinkle of Disappointment

Today is Saturday and tomorrow is Sunday- the day that my lady and I were going to go camping; however, it is pouring outside with no signs of stopping, so it seems rather pointless to go now.

We’ve had a busy few weeks and I was really looking forward to a warm campfire and some smores. I’m thinking about going camping next weekend instead, but every week we push this, we risk freezing in the night.

Today was rather mentally and emotionally challenging. Last night I received a call from the roommate of a good friend of mine. This friend is an alcoholic and it’s not exactly a secret- everyone knows. Anyway, the past two months have been really bad and the roommate told me that my friend had a seizure back in February already. The doctor said if he had another that it could kill him.

My friend is convinced that he can detox himself because he’s done it before with success. Me and two other people drove to his house today to try and convince him to at least get evaluated and maybe get some medication to help him through the next [very critical] 72 hours. We were unsuccessful, as I knew we would be; however, it was important to me that we show up anyway just to show him that he does have a support system and that he is not alone.

When we left his house today, we left with the goal of checking in on him more, writing him letters, calling him, and visiting him. I’m the letter writer of the group, so I will try to do more of that and also set aside some time each week to call him. I hope that he is successful in his self-detox journey and I hope that if things go south that he able to get immediate help.

We’ll see what happens, I will keep you all updated.

This year has sucked a lot.

I want to begin by saying that 2020 hasn’t been ALL bad, but damn, it’s been rough.

I got a call yesterday that a good friend of mine died on July 31st. She was 78 years old and she died after what seemed like a successful surgery. Her husband, also a good friend to me, called me right before my girlfriend and I were going for a walk.

I’m okay, but it’s just sad. It’s one more shitty thing to add to this year.

Also, last weekend was a packed weekend for me and my lady. On Saturday we had plans to visit my grandmother and walk her very energetic dog for her. On Sunday, my mom, my sister, my stepdad, and my best friend were going to come over to grill out with us.

So, once we arrived at my grandma’s house on Saturday, I ran inside to pick up the dog. On my way out, she asked me if I would be able to stay and help her out with a few things. I said that I was sorry, but I [for once in my life] had to clean the house and start meal-prepping for Sunday. I usually say yes to my grandma because I normally have nothing going on. She was obviously not pleased with my answer, but didn’t say anything in that moment.

About an hour later, when we got back to her house, I ran inside again to drop off the dog and say good-bye. I found her putting chemicals into her pool and I told her about Cleo’s (the dog) behavior at the dog park. While I was talking, my grandma wasn’t really looking at me and when she did respond, she was very short with me.

She started making little jabs about how no one ever has time for her and that none of my family ever helps her out, etc. She also told me that I am free to go to now since I clearly have better things to do.

Disclaimer: this behavior is very normal for my grandma. She is super emotional, super sensitive, and has no problem making people feel sorry for things they didn’t even do. This day was just a shock to me because out of everyone in the family, I have been there for her the most, even spending a week at a time with her and helping her with outdoor and indoor work.

Anyway, I told her that I did not appreciate being guilt-tripped and that I help her out every time she asks, but I just couldn’t do that today. She pouted and told me to go then, go do the other things I had to do.

I walked out and I was definitely upset because, like I said, I have helped my grandmother out more than anyone. I also never ask for anything, unlike other family members. It was just really hurtful that she would talk to me like that.

Additionally, I will admit that it is very difficult to want to help out this grandmother anyway because she is the most vocal about her belief that my being gay is simply a phase and also that she prays for me and my sin daily. She has spoken to her church about me and outed me to them without my knowing. She referred to me to her friend as “the granddaughter that thinks she’s gay”. During Christmas two years ago, she met my girlfriend at the time and told me that she was lovely, but that she still prayed for me.

It’s an ongoing battle with this grandmother, and she’s always been quirky, but lately it’s just gotten more and more exhausting being around her.

COVID-19, BLM, Working From Home and Virtual Learning

Much has happened since early May- the last time I wrote a post. I will bullet point some events below and expand on them further down.

  • My bosses moved back to France and I will probably be working from home through early 2021.
  • My university has announced a “blended learning” plan for the upcoming Fall semester. Some people will have mostly online classes, but I wasn’t as lucky. It is possible for things to change, but for the time being, I will be on campus as per usual. Woohoo.
  • Georgia is now #8 in the United States for highest COVID-19 cases and I live in the 2nd highest county AND I go to school in the highest county.
  • I am at my heaviest weight and none of my jeans fit. I mostly wear rompers because they are easy, loose-fitting, and breezy in this summer heat.
  • My partner and I participated in a protest in Atlanta in June for BLM. We went with some other friends and it was a really nice experience. So many people were there (all wearing masks!) with their animals and kids and homemade signs- it was truly a wonderful sight.
  • My sister has temporarily moved back to GA from FL (just in time, am I right??), but she will be returning in August.
  • I have finished the PS4 game Horizon Zero Dawn and I recommend it to everyone.
  • I got into a tussle on Facebook with my aunt. I am not one to engage with people on FB, but she commented on one of my posts and I replied.
  • I am set to graduate college next year (FINALLY!!!) and I am researching companies I want to apply at. I am also researching how much money people in HR normally make because I wouldn’t even know if I am being undercut.
  • I bought a new laptop (crying face) for $840 because my old one kept shutting down on me and I can’t have that happen during an exam or during something work-related.
  • I made the BEST strawberry cake last week and I am making it again in cupcake form tonight.

So, to expand on a few things:

In case there was ever any doubt about where I stand: Black lives matter. Black trans lives matter. Black lives matter. If you don’t understand those sentences, please see the image below:

Why you should stop saying “all lives matter,” explained in 9 ...
Kris Straub/Chainsawsuit

If you still don’t understand, I literally cannot and will not spend any more energy explaining this.

Moving on.

Overall, I don’t care about my weight until I hit the point where my pants no longer fit, and, well, we’ve hit that point. I don’t really know what my plan is next month; I’m thinking it will involve lots of leggings, sweatpants, and dresses. The wintertime concerns me because I need to dress a little more warmly and most of my comfy clothes are rather thin. I have a friend who was going to get married in September, but I think it’s being pushed back. I started trying to lose weight about one month ago, but I’ve seen minimal change. The wedding gave me a nice deadline and motivation, but I fear that that has now left. We’ll see what happens.

The Facebook Tussle: The post in question was a screenshot of a tweet that the GA governor sent out requesting for everyone to please wear masks. Above this screenshot I wrote something about how it was the dumbest thing I had seen all day because just hours before I had seen that Governor Kemp was suing Atlanta Mayor Keisha Bottoms for issuing a mask mandate. My aunt got upset because she felt like the mandate was taking her rights away and also cloth masks apparently may be more harmful than helpful, so people shouldn’t be forced to wear them. I laughed when I read “rights being taken away” and “rights slowly being stripped away” because from an LGBTQ person’s perspective, I know much more about not having rights than she does. That was just a small portion of the thread of conversation, though. As mentioned above, she went on to say that cloth masks might not be as protective as we think. This prompted me to DM her for the sources that claim this. She sent me an email chain from a woman I assume to be part of her homeschooling group; this woman put together a very extensive document full of links to various articles and studies (some are pro-mask and most are anti-mask, or at least questioning-mask). I was intrigued and I started reading. I got through the first 6. I didn’t just read the summary and quotes that were pulled by the lady, I clicked on the actual links and read the entire article/study. And I found some issues. I didn’t relay any of my findings to my aunt because I didn’t want to argue about it any more and I’m not interested in trying to change someone’s mind who doesn’t want their mind to be changed. Anyway, there were a multitude of flaws in those first 5 articles ranging from the actual authors redacting what they had written to data being used from 1920 to describe the current situation in California. There was also a study that revealed the most promising results of the anti-mask argument, but then I saw it was only relevant to healthcare workers in Vietnam AND they did not monitor hand hygiene AND all data was self-reported- lots of space for human error. I then just stopped reading. Personally, I believe that a cloth mask does not directly prevent COVID-19; however, I do believe that a properly washed and a properly worn cloth mask will greatly reduce the chance of transmission. Ultimately, it is up to the wearer to regularly clean both the mask and their hands.

So, I was planning on staying with the company I currently work for for at least another 2-4 years; however, I am not making the amount of money I want to be making. If I left this company, I would be leaving a lot behind: flexibility, autonomy, fantastic bosses and coworkers- the culture is really amazing. The problem is that I am getting older and eventually (soonish) I want to rent/buy a house with my partner. I want to adopt dogs. I want to have reliable health insurance. I want more job security. Unless my company steps in up in the next 12 months, I am heavily considering going elsewhere. Of course, it could take me a while to get a job- I have friends who graduated two years ago who are still applying day after day after day and it is so discouraging. I hope I have better luck.

I think that is all the expanding I wish to do tonight. I hope everyone has been doing alright and while things are quick scary in the US right now, I feel that a great majority has come together more than ever before to not just take action, but also to listen and to understand people who they were previously indifferent towards. Support Black businesses, recycle your plastics, and don’t be an asshole.