Correcting Pronouns

So, my girlfriend gets mistaken as a guy sometimes, especially if she’s wearing a jacket or if she’s in a low-light restaurant. I hadn’t experienced her being misgendered until a few weeks ago at a German event in my hometown.

When the waitress asked, “What can I get for you, sir” I was quick to lean over and say, “SHE will have the Schweinebraten.”

Now, there will be different reactions from you all to me doing that, I’m sure. Some people might applaud me for “having her back”. Others might tell me I’m out of line and need to let her speak for herself. However, my reason for correcting her pronouns is actually for a very selfish reason.

I corrected her pronouns because I wanted the waitress to know that I was a lesbian. That sounds so silly, but let me explain.

I spent years becoming completely comfortable with myself and my sexuality. I pushed through internalized homophobia, as well as homophic behaviors and comments from “friends”, family, and people who I thought were on my side.

I came to realize that I was going to be the only person who’s opinion mattered when it came to who I was. I am proud to be gay. I am proud to be gay because it is only because of my being gay that I am as confident as I am. I wouldn’t have been this strong without having gone through what I went through.

And, sometimes, it felt like I was going through Hell. And I’m not giving all that up just to be perceived as straight at a restaurant.

On a last note, I don’t always “look gay”. I can pass as straight, no problem. I think femme lesbian visibility is so important and I miss chances to be seen as such when I don’t correct my girlfriend’s pronouns when we’re in public.

I want other young lesbians to not be assumed as being straight and I want them to see that you can be gay and still wear dresses. I rely on my same sex relationship [and my “gay looking” girlfriend] to make my gayness known.

Some people are still not going to understand, and that’s fine. I should also note that I’ve spoken with my girlfriend about this and she will let me know if she ever doesn’t want her pronouns corrected or if she’d rather do it herself.

With that, I leave you all. Have a lovely night!

Femme Invisibility

The struggle is quite real when it comes to femme invisibility. As a more feminine presenting lesbian (75% of the time, I’d say), I am often presumed to be straight. This makes dating/meeting people interesting because it often puts me in the position to be the one to make the first move because other women may not always see me as a potential mate.

It also gives me privilege. I “look” straight. I “look” Christian. I can visit my family down south and not have anyone question my physical appearance or mannerisms. I can use the bathrooms I want to without a second glance from others already in there. I don’t normally get called a dyke or lesbo unless I happen to be with a partner.

I recognize the aspect of privilege when it comes to being mostly feminine presenting; however, I want to talk more about the frustrations because they are issues that I have dealt with and that I continue to deal with.

As a “chapstick & part time lipstick lesbian”- contrary to what the media likes to advertise- I don’t find myself super attracted to super masculine presenting women. I’m not opposed to dating them, but they’re not normally who I “swipe right” on.

I like women. I like curves. I like boobs. I like dresses. I like long hair. I like girly women. I think I also like women who are like me: kind of in between, go with the flow, can wear a dress or a suit and feel damn good no matter what she’s wearing. I like fashion fluidity.

It’s funny that I talk about the struggles of not being able to properly advertise myself physically as a lesbian because it’s not like I’m that much better at picking out more feminine lesbians myself. I will admit that I believe in gaydar 100% and I think mine is in pretty good shape.

I rely on eye contact and a woman’s walk a lot. That’s just me.

In all seriousness, femme invisibility is a thing, yes, but it doesn’t keep me up at night. I think other lesbians also need to be more accepting of lipsticks because they’re not all straight girls in disguise looking for an experiment. Be more optimistic when approaching a feminine presenting woman.