Fear of Failure

I have a fear of failure. I have a fear of failing those I care about. I have a fear of failing to be what they want me to be. I have a fear of failing to live the life that I have envisioned for myself. I have a fear of failing to live up to the good things people have said about me.

I fear that I am failing my [very conservative, anti-abortion, anti-gay, pro-Trump, Christian] grandparents and hometown community by not dating men and attending church.

I have a fear that my dad fears he has failed as a father by not bringing my sister and I to church more often. When I first came out, he asked me if it was something he did to make me feel this way.

I have these fears. They get a little a crazy sometimes. I know that I can’t just flip a switch and become a heterosexual Christian. I suppose that I try to make up for these “flaws” by making the rest of my life look as proper and perfect as possible.

I want the people (my family) who disagree with my “lifestyle” or lack of Christian beliefs to see that I’m not a bad or immoral person. I try very hard to live a moral life and to be kind and helpful to those around me. I’m trying to show them that I don’t live my life for attention. I don’t live my life to convert other people. I don’t live my life to brag about it and rub it in people’s faces.

I just want to live my life. I want to have normal conversations about things I’m passionate about. I want to visit family with my future partner and I want them to ask us when we’re getting married.

So I have a fear of failure. I have a fear of failing to be a person that does not and cannot exist. It’s been mentioned before and it will be mentioned again, I promise.

Thanks for stopping by, I really appreciate it!

“Where do you think you are hard on yourself?”

“Where do you think you are hard on yourself?”

This was a question posed to me by my therapist in one of our very first meetings. My answer at the time was, “I don’t think I’m hard on myself at all.”

I further explained that I didn’t expect a perfect GPA from myself. I didn’t expect a certain weight when I step on a scale. I also said that I understood that I am human and humans are not perfect, so I would never expect myself to be that.

Fast forward 2 months later and my answer to the question above is very different. I have come to realize that the standards I have for myself are unrealistic and quite ridiculous, frankly. I may not strive for perfection, but I sure am striving for whatever is right underneath it.

I didn’t realize that I was much more forgiving towards other people than I was myself. I allowed other people to make mistakes, but if I made one, I would think about it for weeks and make sure that I would never forget the feeling of disappointment I felt within myself because of that mistake. Other people could be late. Other people could back out of already made plans. Other people could spell a word wrong. Other people could take the average time it took to finish whatever task they’re doing.

When I hear ,”you made a mistake”, I actually hear, “you failed to do the right thing”.

“You failed.”

I don’t know where this fear of failure came from, but it’s something I’m working on. It’s a lot of pressure to put on myself and I know that.