I’m really happy with her.

Tomorrow I will have known her for 1 month. I’ve learned a lot since our first meeting. I can honestly and genuinely say that I enjoy her company and conversation. I really appreciate her efforts and I can tell that she is also serious about getting to know each other.

I made a previous post about how I felt overwhelmed with the strong emotions I’m having despite only having known her for a short time. I am still adjusting, but I’ve come to a conclusion:

I don’t want to date anymore. I don’t want to search anymore. i don’t want to “prove myself” via texts and dating apps anymore. I don’t want to be another person’s coming out story. I don’t want to help anyone deal with middle school issues. I don’t want to play therapist. I want a partner in life that I can trust and rely on. I want equality. I want open communication. I want compromise. I want unconditional love. I want healthy pushes to think about things differently. I want to feel supported. I want someone who’s got my back.

I feel like that’s asking a lot.

It doesn’t really matter, though. I have been through some very questionable things and I’m just so tired and exhausted. I let many past relationships preside over my own physical and mental wellbeing. While trying to be everything for my partners I was doing some serious damage to myself. Well, I’m taking care of myself now and it’s going really great.

Since meeting this woman (I know I created a name for her, but it escapes me), I want this to be it so badly. I don’t care that I’m young- I’m not even pushing for marriage or an immediate future together. I just want to be done with the bullshit. And she feels like the complete opposite of bullshit.

Edit: I have discovered that the name I gave her is Chelsea. Woohoo!

Lesbians Who Sleep With Men Are Still Lesbians

The title of this post is just a little message for anyone who thinks they can label anyone other than themselves.

Anyway.

I am a lesbian. I came out when I was roughly 13 or 14. I dated only women until I had something of an identity crisis and decided to date (and sleep with) a man for 8 months. It was actually a great relationship, but at the end of the day, I was gay and didn’t want to marry or continue a romantic relationship with him. I broke his heart and I felt like shit for it, trust me.

I ended things almost 2 years ago, but when I came back from my service year this May, I hit him up to see if he was down for something casual. He said yes, so a week later I drove down to his house and we had sex.

It. Was. Awful.

When we were dating, the sex was amazing. He is an amazing human being. He is so sweet and optimistic and he cares about his family and friends. He’s passionate about rebuilding cars and building his own empire.

I guess I got too much in my head and remembered that I broke his fucking heart and that I wasn’t here to date him again, I was here to only get this sudden need for sex out of my system.

I realized, once again, that I am quite gay. I wanted a woman. I thought hooking up with a man would be easy and fun, but it is not quite so when you’re not 100% sexually attracted to him.

Well, here we are, about 1 month later and he is hitting me up for some “one on one” time. I had to tell him that I couldn’t make time for that. The truth is I could have if I wanted to. But I don’t want to. His response was “cool”, but I know that it was the angry/disappointed/how-can-you-hit-me-up-but-not-say-yes-when-I-hit-you-up kind of “cool”.

I feel guilty and I know I shouldn’t. I can feel bad that I might have led him on, but because we are not an item and never made official plans to do it more than once, I can’t really be that irked.

The moral of this story is have sex with people you are attracted to. This story also serves to remind you to communicate openly with those you “interact” with. Make sure everyone is on the same page and that feelings don’t get hurt because of a miscommunication.

Thanks for tuning in!