I am a busy human, mostly by choice. There isn’t much I absolutely have to do. We could probably categorize my M-F job as a “have to” seeing as that’s how I afford my shelter, food, and water. Most everything else is a “I should do this” or “I just feel like I should”. A tiny percentage of the things I do are “I want to do this”.
I think I care less about physically doing x, y, and z and more about just having it done. I want the end result, whether that’s cleanliness, a meal-prepped fridge for the coming week, or happy family members who don’t complain about not having seen me for weeks. I like feeling productive and I like knowing that other people are happy. I like going to bed at night knowing I didn’t waste the hours I had that day.
After having several conversations with several friends and family members, it seems that I need to rethink what “wasting my time” means. Is it wasteful to decline a social invitation to watch a movie by myself? Is it wasteful to spend the day in bed with my partner instead of doing laundry, cleaning, or any other household chore? Is it wasteful to take an entire day out of my week from working or school and NOT use it for errands?
I’m learning that down-time is healthy. It’s necessary. I’m comfortable with silence, but am I comfortable with stillness? Maybe not as comfortable as I thought I was. Things to work on, I suppose.
I was riding shotgun yesterday and I swear I didn’t know completely what to do with myself. In my mind, even driving my car is “something to do”. When my hands aren’t on the wheel and my mind isn’t focused on the road in front of me, my brain is confused; “So, what do we do now? What do we do when there is nothing to do?”
I don’t have an answer. I need to learn to not just slow down, but to stop and pay attention to where I am. I need to take it in, this life- slowly and deeply.
When I am 90 years old, I won’t remember doing laundry or meal prepping, but I will remember that beautiful mural on the side of the building I stopped by to admire on the way to work. I won’t remember the drive to the grocery store, but I will remember the intimate conversation I had with the person I took time to share dinner with.
I also don’t want to run myself down all through the day only to collapse in utter fatigue when I come home to my partner each night. I want to give her 100%. I also should give myself 100%.
I’m a work in progress, what can I say?