First Dates

I have a date tonight at 6pm. We’re meeting at California Pizza Kitchen. She insisted that I choose where we eat because I’m the one with dietary restrictions. I’m fine with that. She tried to tell me that she’s paying, but I like splitting on first dates. We decided on us both paying for our own meals, but if the waiter forgets to give us separate checks, she’s paying. I told her I wouldn’t let the waiter forget.

First dates are so weird. Normally I would be more nervous, but we’ve been texting all week and the conversations have been diverse and easy to continue; I’m hoping that dinner will feel the same. I thought I knew what I was wearing, but now it’s raining and it’s a tad cooler than it has been all summer.

She is shorter than I am. I think I’ve had a mix of heights in my past relationships, although my more serious ones are always with people who are shorter than I am. I don’t have a preference and I am of average height myself, so I don’t run into many women who refuse to date me because of my height. There are some weirdos out there though that insist on only dating taller/shorter women, whatever they prefer.

The thing that has surprised me the most while talking to this woman is how similar we are in our thought processes. We have both established that we are also more assertive and willing to speak up if it is concerning a topic we know well. We are both straightforward and sometimes can come across as rude or too blunt for other people. Additionally, it’s interesting to text with someone who writes just as much in each message. I am known for writing paragraphs and she is also delivering the same word count. I’m excited to see how dinner goes.

Fear of Failure

I have a fear of failure. I have a fear of failing those I care about. I have a fear of failing to be what they want me to be. I have a fear of failing to live the life that I have envisioned for myself. I have a fear of failing to live up to the good things people have said about me.

I fear that I am failing my [very conservative, anti-abortion, anti-gay, pro-Trump, Christian] grandparents and hometown community by not dating men and attending church.

I have a fear that my dad fears he has failed as a father by not bringing my sister and I to church more often. When I first came out, he asked me if it was something he did to make me feel this way.

I have these fears. They get a little a crazy sometimes. I know that I can’t just flip a switch and become a heterosexual Christian. I suppose that I try to make up for these “flaws” by making the rest of my life look as proper and perfect as possible.

I want the people (my family) who disagree with my “lifestyle” or lack of Christian beliefs to see that I’m not a bad or immoral person. I try very hard to live a moral life and to be kind and helpful to those around me. I’m trying to show them that I don’t live my life for attention. I don’t live my life to convert other people. I don’t live my life to brag about it and rub it in people’s faces.

I just want to live my life. I want to have normal conversations about things I’m passionate about. I want to visit family with my future partner and I want them to ask us when we’re getting married.

So I have a fear of failure. I have a fear of failing to be a person that does not and cannot exist. It’s been mentioned before and it will be mentioned again, I promise.

Thanks for stopping by, I really appreciate it!

“Where do you think you are hard on yourself?”

“Where do you think you are hard on yourself?”

This was a question posed to me by my therapist in one of our very first meetings. My answer at the time was, “I don’t think I’m hard on myself at all.”

I further explained that I didn’t expect a perfect GPA from myself. I didn’t expect a certain weight when I step on a scale. I also said that I understood that I am human and humans are not perfect, so I would never expect myself to be that.

Fast forward 2 months later and my answer to the question above is very different. I have come to realize that the standards I have for myself are unrealistic and quite ridiculous, frankly. I may not strive for perfection, but I sure am striving for whatever is right underneath it.

I didn’t realize that I was much more forgiving towards other people than I was myself. I allowed other people to make mistakes, but if I made one, I would think about it for weeks and make sure that I would never forget the feeling of disappointment I felt within myself because of that mistake. Other people could be late. Other people could back out of already made plans. Other people could spell a word wrong. Other people could take the average time it took to finish whatever task they’re doing.

When I hear ,”you made a mistake”, I actually hear, “you failed to do the right thing”.

“You failed.”

I don’t know where this fear of failure came from, but it’s something I’m working on. It’s a lot of pressure to put on myself and I know that.

So I’ve Been Talking To A Female…

I downloaded Bumble. I swiped a lot. I matched with a woman.

We’ve been talking for 3 days. We have a date next Tuesday. I am very excited.

She’s more masculine than I normally go for because I find myself to be quite dominant, so many times more masculine presenting women are a bit threatened when they get to know me. So far, so good, though.

That’s all, folks. I’m super excited. I’m super hopeful. I am pushing down any anxious feelings or thoughts because this is not the time for them.

Dating Apps and Me

I have been on a handful of dating apps including but not limited to Tinder, HER, Badoo, and OKCupid. While I have found most all dating apps to be annoying and basically the same when it comes to operation, I had the most “success” on HER.

I have met 3 people in person from the HER app. I dated only 1 of them and that lasted about 3 months. The first person I met on the HER app was a straight girl who I awkwardly hugged goodbye when we parted ways from our “date” at the local mall. It was a sight to see. The other girl I met went to a nearby university and advertised herself as having long hair, so I was quite confused when a buzzed head flagged me down at the Greek restaurant we were supposed to meet at.

*I want to insert here that I don’t care about how my partner wears their hair. My last girlfriend rocked a short haircut and she looked damn good. I only have an issue with false advertisement.*

The date with the girl with the buzzcut was very uncomfortable and we both struggled for conversation. The food also sucked. I made an excuse to leave early and RAN.

Aside from the girl I dated for 3 months after meeting on the HER app, all of relationships have been as a result of meeting in school, an event, or at work. I’m hesitant to try dating apps again because they haven’t resulted in the most fulfilling encounters.

I recently created an account on the website Find Femmes, created by Megan and Whitney Bacon-Evans (one of my favorite YouTube couples to watch!). I’m a little nervous, but I’ll update you all on how the website works out for me.

Check out this interview Wegan did back in 2016 about creating Find Femmes.

My Christian Friends

In high school, I had a few friends who identified strongly and openly as Christians. There is nothing wrong with that, and when they had invasive questions about me being gay, I welcomed the discussion and the different perspectives.

One of my “friends” was very blunt in how she saw things. She said to me one day, “You know, Megan, I love you so much, but I’m a Christian and I believe you’re going to Hell because you’re gay.” I said, “Gee, thanks, Janice, that means a lot.”

I laughed about that interaction then and I continue to laugh about it now.

My other devoutly Christian friend, Rebecca, had her own opinions and questions as well. One day, after telling me that I could join her church as a gay person as long as I didn’t act on my homosexual urges, she asked me if I found her to be attractive. I tried to be nice about telling her that since she’s not attracted to every guy she sees, I don’t feel attraction to every female I see, so no, Rebecca, I don’t actually find you attractive, but you’re my “friend”, so I’m going to lie to you and say that you’re cute but not my type.

That was a doozy. We don’t really talk anymore because every conversation we have developed into her asking me if I’m seeing anyone and then telling me that she still doesn’t approve. Why the fuck are you asking me about my dating life that you don’t approve of? She confused me.

All in all, I can laugh at these interactions. At the same time, they were exhausting and constantly being told you’re an abomination is not easy on the soul, so I didn’t appreciate that portion.

If you’re a Christian, rock on, man. You do you. Let’s just keep my “lifestyle” out of conversation.

Pet Peeves on Dating Apps

As you all know, I have entered the world of dating apps. I have a few chats open with a few different women and I just can’t catch a break! They’re all doing the things I hate!

  • No one is making the first move. Mind you, I don’t mind, I will message people no problem, but literally NO ONE is messaging me first. Ugh.
  • I’m asking ALL the questions. Do they even want to know anything about me?
  • Going off of that last bullet, I also hate when people answer my questions beautifully, like super detail, almost paragraphs, and then they STILL don’t ask me anything.
  • “Cool.”, “K.”, “That’s good.”. Need I even say more about these types of responses??? What is wrong people? How am I supposed to bounce off of that?
  • Some girls will set you up to ask them out, but when you do they back out. That happened to me recently. She said she’d never been somewhere I mentioned, and said she’d love to go sometime, but didn’t want to go alone. I proposed we go the following week to check it out and she says that she’s didn’t really want to go out after work, maybe the weekend, but probably not. It was weird. She said she would let me know as the date got closer, but that never happened. I stopped texting her and she never texted me either. So that was fun.

I also don’t like how the scammer messages are always like, “I missed my flight, I’m only here for one night, are u busy??” LMAO. It’s Monday. I’m at work, bitch. Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish who’s actually a scammer and who’s actually stuck in town (haha).

So, I’m on dating apps. It’s a blast. I’ll keep you all updated on my interactions.

Commitment Issues

Commitment issues. We’ve all got them, don’t we? No? Okay. Cool, so I definitely do. I don’t know where they stem from. Maybe it was my parents’ divorce that tanked my faith in love and marriage. Or maybe it was my first relationship that showed me the universe and everyone in it was against me being in a happy same-sex relationship. Quite possibly, now, I could be wrong, but quite possibly, it was the second relationship I was in that really did the deed.

The truth is that I don’t know how I got to be so skittish in relationships. The most unfortunate part is that my partner’s never really knew that I was constantly planning an exit “just in case”. If there was any talk about the future, I would always make them very aware that things could change and you never know, someone might die or move or evaporate.

The thought of locking down with someone fucking terrifies me. Dating people terrifies me. What if one of us gets a job offer in another state? What if someone gets diagnosed with a terminal illness? What if we’re together for 4 years and then we get married and then I want a divorce? What if the relationship just doesn’t work? So many “what ifs”.

I mentioned in a previous post that I was going to open myself up to casually dating again. That decision came post previous therapy session where my therapist asked me to really evaluate why I was swearing off dating right now. And I thought about it and determined that if I want human contact, I should go find human contact. I don’t need to propose to anyone, but there’s no reason why I can’t go connect with other humans AND focus on myself. So there.

The Interminglings of Lesbians

This is a short story that concerns something that happened yesterday between me and my roommate. I think it’s actually quite funny, but I don’t think my roommate was as amused as I was.

She was gushing about this new girl she’s been seeing to me and my friend who was visiting. She described a greek goddess and it was clear that she was quite taken with her. Naturally, my friend and I asked for a picture. My roommate pulled up Dream Girl’s Instagram account and I thought she looked familiar… I scrolled down further and stumbled upon pictures I had seen before on another app a few years ago.

I knew this girl. Well, I knew of her. I had spoken maybe 3 words to her once, years ago, back in my little homophobic hometown.

I used to work at O’Reilly Auto Parts and I would sometimes stop by an asian restaurant for some sushi rolls. One day, I was walking in and I was greeted by this beautiful girl- the same girl my roommate is currently talking to.

I asked her for her name and said thank you and left. Later that month, I downloaded a lesbian dating app and she happened to be on it as well. I don’t think we matched on there, but I thought it was funny because I had gotten some “gay vibes” when I met her in the restaurant and her presence on the app confirmed that she at least had same-sex curiosity.

So, yesterday, when I told my roommate that I knew this girl, her face kind of dropped and I hope she doesn’t think we have some sort of history because we definitely have none. I told her that I didn’t date her or even say more than 3 words to her, but her reaction seemed troubling.

We’ll see what happens.

The L Word advertised this chart of all the women who slept with other women and this situation made me think of that because while I don’t know every single lesbian on this planet, it seems that me and my friends all know the same ones, and now my roommate and I have a mutual as well.

Lesbians Who Sleep With Men Are Still Lesbians

The title of this post is just a little message for anyone who thinks they can label anyone other than themselves.

Anyway.

I am a lesbian. I came out when I was roughly 13 or 14. I dated only women until I had something of an identity crisis and decided to date (and sleep with) a man for 8 months. It was actually a great relationship, but at the end of the day, I was gay and didn’t want to marry or continue a romantic relationship with him. I broke his heart and I felt like shit for it, trust me.

I ended things almost 2 years ago, but when I came back from my service year this May, I hit him up to see if he was down for something casual. He said yes, so a week later I drove down to his house and we had sex.

It. Was. Awful.

When we were dating, the sex was amazing. He is an amazing human being. He is so sweet and optimistic and he cares about his family and friends. He’s passionate about rebuilding cars and building his own empire.

I guess I got too much in my head and remembered that I broke his fucking heart and that I wasn’t here to date him again, I was here to only get this sudden need for sex out of my system.

I realized, once again, that I am quite gay. I wanted a woman. I thought hooking up with a man would be easy and fun, but it is not quite so when you’re not 100% sexually attracted to him.

Well, here we are, about 1 month later and he is hitting me up for some “one on one” time. I had to tell him that I couldn’t make time for that. The truth is I could have if I wanted to. But I don’t want to. His response was “cool”, but I know that it was the angry/disappointed/how-can-you-hit-me-up-but-not-say-yes-when-I-hit-you-up kind of “cool”.

I feel guilty and I know I shouldn’t. I can feel bad that I might have led him on, but because we are not an item and never made official plans to do it more than once, I can’t really be that irked.

The moral of this story is have sex with people you are attracted to. This story also serves to remind you to communicate openly with those you “interact” with. Make sure everyone is on the same page and that feelings don’t get hurt because of a miscommunication.

Thanks for tuning in!