Commitment Issues

Commitment issues. We’ve all got them, don’t we? No? Okay. Cool, so I definitely do. I don’t know where they stem from. Maybe it was my parents’ divorce that tanked my faith in love and marriage. Or maybe it was my first relationship that showed me the universe and everyone in it was against me being in a happy same-sex relationship. Quite possibly, now, I could be wrong, but quite possibly, it was the second relationship I was in that really did the deed.

The truth is that I don’t know how I got to be so skittish in relationships. The most unfortunate part is that my partner’s never really knew that I was constantly planning an exit “just in case”. If there was any talk about the future, I would always make them very aware that things could change and you never know, someone might die or move or evaporate.

The thought of locking down with someone fucking terrifies me. Dating people terrifies me. What if one of us gets a job offer in another state? What if someone gets diagnosed with a terminal illness? What if we’re together for 4 years and then we get married and then I want a divorce? What if the relationship just doesn’t work? So many “what ifs”.

I mentioned in a previous post that I was going to open myself up to casually dating again. That decision came post previous therapy session where my therapist asked me to really evaluate why I was swearing off dating right now. And I thought about it and determined that if I want human contact, I should go find human contact. I don’t need to propose to anyone, but there’s no reason why I can’t go connect with other humans AND focus on myself. So there.

The Interminglings of Lesbians

This is a short story that concerns something that happened yesterday between me and my roommate. I think it’s actually quite funny, but I don’t think my roommate was as amused as I was.

She was gushing about this new girl she’s been seeing to me and my friend who was visiting. She described a greek goddess and it was clear that she was quite taken with her. Naturally, my friend and I asked for a picture. My roommate pulled up Dream Girl’s Instagram account and I thought she looked familiar… I scrolled down further and stumbled upon pictures I had seen before on another app a few years ago.

I knew this girl. Well, I knew of her. I had spoken maybe 3 words to her once, years ago, back in my little homophobic hometown.

I used to work at O’Reilly Auto Parts and I would sometimes stop by an asian restaurant for some sushi rolls. One day, I was walking in and I was greeted by this beautiful girl- the same girl my roommate is currently talking to.

I asked her for her name and said thank you and left. Later that month, I downloaded a lesbian dating app and she happened to be on it as well. I don’t think we matched on there, but I thought it was funny because I had gotten some “gay vibes” when I met her in the restaurant and her presence on the app confirmed that she at least had same-sex curiosity.

So, yesterday, when I told my roommate that I knew this girl, her face kind of dropped and I hope she doesn’t think we have some sort of history because we definitely have none. I told her that I didn’t date her or even say more than 3 words to her, but her reaction seemed troubling.

We’ll see what happens.

The L Word advertised this chart of all the women who slept with other women and this situation made me think of that because while I don’t know every single lesbian on this planet, it seems that me and my friends all know the same ones, and now my roommate and I have a mutual as well.

Lesbians Who Sleep With Men Are Still Lesbians

The title of this post is just a little message for anyone who thinks they can label anyone other than themselves.

Anyway.

I am a lesbian. I came out when I was roughly 13 or 14. I dated only women until I had something of an identity crisis and decided to date (and sleep with) a man for 8 months. It was actually a great relationship, but at the end of the day, I was gay and didn’t want to marry or continue a romantic relationship with him. I broke his heart and I felt like shit for it, trust me.

I ended things almost 2 years ago, but when I came back from my service year this May, I hit him up to see if he was down for something casual. He said yes, so a week later I drove down to his house and we had sex.

It. Was. Awful.

When we were dating, the sex was amazing. He is an amazing human being. He is so sweet and optimistic and he cares about his family and friends. He’s passionate about rebuilding cars and building his own empire.

I guess I got too much in my head and remembered that I broke his fucking heart and that I wasn’t here to date him again, I was here to only get this sudden need for sex out of my system.

I realized, once again, that I am quite gay. I wanted a woman. I thought hooking up with a man would be easy and fun, but it is not quite so when you’re not 100% sexually attracted to him.

Well, here we are, about 1 month later and he is hitting me up for some “one on one” time. I had to tell him that I couldn’t make time for that. The truth is I could have if I wanted to. But I don’t want to. His response was “cool”, but I know that it was the angry/disappointed/how-can-you-hit-me-up-but-not-say-yes-when-I-hit-you-up kind of “cool”.

I feel guilty and I know I shouldn’t. I can feel bad that I might have led him on, but because we are not an item and never made official plans to do it more than once, I can’t really be that irked.

The moral of this story is have sex with people you are attracted to. This story also serves to remind you to communicate openly with those you “interact” with. Make sure everyone is on the same page and that feelings don’t get hurt because of a miscommunication.

Thanks for tuning in!